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All alone 
09:19pm 31/01/2017
  Hi there everybody,

My name is Jay and I am a survivor of incest. I have been looking for support in SIA meetings in the area, but they are at minimum 1,5 hours away. So, I started a new meeting in the city where I live. But it is hard to find people to join. Some do, but then they leave again after a month or so. That's why I went looking for online meetings and I found this one. It is nice to see that there is a Trans meeting. I am FTM transgender myself and I will start my transition next week :D. So, I am really happy about it, but also powerless. It would be nice to have some people to talk to about it. The people in my live are very positive and supporting. But it is not the same as having people around me who understand. Thank you all for reading this, because just having the possibility to type this helps me already. I feel like I'm on my own at the moment and right here and now I don't really know what to do about it. Thank you again for being part of this moment with me.

Best wishes to you all,

Jay, incestsurvivor.
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New to site 
01:04am 02/06/2015
mood: distressed
Lots of pain.plz hear me. Help.
11:56am 18/10/2014
mood: lonely
At 23 I thought i could begin to live but I still can't let go of my grandpa molesting me for 5 years
08:06am 06/02/2011
mood: nervous
I have not really shared this with anyone.  I shared with my wife and it failed miserably.  Told a friend and found some support there.  I look forward to speaking more, but mostly listening.  I think its great that I might be able to find some people who can relate to me.
sudden flashbacks 
05:56pm 18/01/2011
mood: determined
Hi, I am a senior citizen who is still haunted by memories and questions.  I hope all or you younger ones can find peace sooner than I.  I didn't remember anything until my father passed away about 18 years ago.  Then all of a sudden I started having flashbacks and understood why certain things were intolerable all my life.  So I cried for the loss of my father and for the loss of my childhood.  I went to therapy, but I am not convinced the doctor even believed me.  Nothing was resolved.  I have never told my mother, can't bring myself to.  I have told my brothers but they were at a loss.  My life has been a mess, as you all well know.  But I remember myself as a child with great potential and love of life.   Then there is a period I don't really remember much, then as a teen I was a mess.  The flashbacks were just enough to know something happened to my at the hands of my father, but not all of the detail.  This is my first post, hope this helps because I don't want to have to tell anyone this story again. 
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Live Journal First Timer 
01:32pm 28/03/2010
mood: uncertain
Hello all.  I recently tried to return to an SIA meeting that I was a part of for years, but found that now it no longer exists. 
I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse by my parents and step parents.  I am a single woman in my mid 30's who lives in Manhattan.  I am from New York - born in Manhattan and raised as a shared custody kid in Brooklyn, Westchester and Rockland coutnies.  My parents and step parents have all had substance abuse issues on top of mental health struggles...Not very good odds for my siblings or myself, so it's not a surprise really that things went horribly wrong in our "family." Growing up in that environment my siblings and I stuck together for our survival and sanity.  We were thick as thieves.  My being the oldest, I was the main protector and took the brunt of the overt abuse - both sexual and physical.  I tried to do what I could to spare my younger brothers and sisters, but I was a child myself and not really capable of saving them the way an adult could.  For this I can't help but feel some guilt.  These days each of us cope with our beginnings differently, and for the most part there is distance between us all.  Perhaps the memories of all that pain is just too powerful when we are with each other that it's too much for them to bear.  I wish we could stay closer, talk through the tough memories and more importantly build new and healthy ones together.  Unfortunately I seem to be alone in this wish.  My brothers and sisters are more comfortable with the head in the sand approach.  They each keep their distance from one another and from me.  The worst part about that is that now more than ever I feel completely alone.  I cannot turn to my parents for any type of emotional support - obviously, but now I can't even get comfort from the closeness I used to share with my siblings.  
That is why I decided to return to SIA, when I went back to my old SIA meeting place two weeks ago.  That group was a type of family to me.  Sharing and listening in that SIA meeting was the first time in my life that a room full of people could relate to the complicated feelings and problems that come with growing up in an abusive world.  It was sad to see the pain that all these other people were struggling with, but the fact that it was so unbelievably familiar opened my eyes to a new idea.  I could see enormous value in the people in that meeting.  I believed in them, even though I could see they struggled, I could see the strength in them, the bravery, the courage and inner beauty.  And if I could see that in them, and they had been through things like I had been through, that must mean that I have a chance to be a worthwhile human being too...at least I had a chance.
At this time therapy is not something I can afford.  I am hopeful that this online support group might be a good place to share some of my struggles with people who can relate, and that I can find fellow survivors to help inspire and motivate each other toward positive directions in our lives.
I am very familiar with the rules of the SIA meetings - the actual live meetings, but are there rules that might be different in this format that I should be aware of?
I am open to any feedback or questions if anyone would like to respond. 
I hope I can become a positive part of your online group.
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10:33am 07/04/2009
   I don't know which groups I have or have not introduced myself to and I made a mistake not reading the rules first off. So I will tell you about myself possibly again. First off, I am a 39 year old female who lives in Nashville Tennessee and has four cats and a dog. I live alone in my house. I like music and art. I love the Beatles most of all. When I was 11 John Lennon was killed and the Beatles got  replayed since, well since the 70's. and I learned about them from the memorials that came of his death. The Beatles became an obsession of mine and helped me deal with my family life so that I didn't  feel so sad and hurt. They saved my sanity.
          Anyway, I like to play my drums and guitar. I don't have a band. I record alone. I do most stuff alone. I have one best friend that I love dearly. These support groups have been a savior to me as well. Thanks to you all.
Gender, Anxiety, incest? 
11:54pm 01/03/2009
mood: sad
Hi Everyone I am a survivor and I have been trying to work SIA as a program for the past 3 months. I have found that in my struggles I feel like I am not moving right now. I am stuck in a big black hole. I was born female and I am emotionally/sexually attracted to females, but I often feel male but not always. So I identify as Genderqueer and Lesbian (if I don't feel like explaining genderqueer to people). I have been recently been smacked in the head with a HUGE issue that I am having issues working through. Simply, I am scared to death of adult females. I am afraid of what they might say or do to my face or behind my back. I find it totally debilitating and absolutely overwhelming. ALTHOUGH, I do have a female partner that I am grateful to be with. I am not sure how I managed to bond with her but I was, which is great. BUT when I am confronted with women that I need to try to bond with in a friendship type of situation I get thrown into a panic. I often find it difficult to attend all female meetings, and not just because I feel like I don't fit in. I often feel like they are going to all gang up on me, attack me, backstab me, or hurt me in some way. Often I cannot voice this, at all, and I become completely frozen in my head and my anxiety. I then appear to be distant, detached, and "quiet". I am! Not just because its my nature, not really. Actually its because I am deathly afraid and inside my head and body I am having a total meltdown, completely unknown to anyone outside my body.

This past weekend I went on a Girl Scout trip, that I was leading, and was forced to try to bond with one of the mothers. I wanted to and I had tried to prepare for it with my therapist. I was supposed to announce tht I was struggline with anxiety about being around her. I totally fell off my plan and ended up disapearing into th woods for several cries. I cried and cried and sat under trees in the freezing cold. I just have such a hard time that I work myself into a complete set of panic and fear that feed off each other. Even my normal approach to my axiety attacks would not work. Right now, the thought of the weekend and attending the all women group as completely set me into a panic attack. I am completely shut down outside and my inner child is trying to work it out with these words. I feel alone, scared, and at a loss. I am frustrated with myself. Why why why do I have so many issues around women? Both men and women molested me but men don't scare me like women do. Although the only way I know how to bond with men is to simply offer sex....although they don't usually set me into a panic attack even if I do avoid sex with them. Women on the other hand are completely a fear for me.

In a week I am going to try to attend a "fun event" that will consist of all lesbians. My partner and I are leading the "hike in the woods" and I am scrared to death, sweating, and increasing my anxiety just thinking about. I am almost completely frozen and I am not even there yet. I know I will do it but will I just be in a state of panic the whole time? I wish there was someone else out there with this same sort of issue that could help me. Hope anyone?
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09:43pm 19/01/2009
mood: okay
Hi there. New here. Just found this page tonight.

I was abused by an older cousin when I was little.

Looking forward to getting to know y'all!
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11:15am 26/08/2008
mood: confused
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and in my life 
06:04pm 01/07/2008
mood: contemplative
I hurry on as the icy nails of an arctic wind rips at my flesh. I seem to vibrate with the icy cold which now seems to emanate from my very bones.

Tears freeze on my cheek as I yearn for even a moments rest, even the most incidental reprieve from this bitter, bitter place but I know I must trudge on for I am afraid I'll be found here, a once living statue, frozen in this agonizingly cold moment in time. I call out in terror but there is no one to hear me, no help will come. I am in the coldest place on Earth, Heroin Withdrawal . . . .

I have written before about my struggles with self-victimizing behavior in the form of a long term addiction. I am pleased to announce that I am, today, clean and sober.

However, the correlation between female survivors of early childhood trauma and females with addiction issues is incredibly high.

To expect a survivor of trauma who is self-medicating her PTSD symptoms to stop using drugs without first treating her trauma is VERY much like expecting a person to discard his crutches when his legs are still broken --- ain't gonna happen . . . .

However, with the correct treatment there is hope.

Do not hesitate to contact The Birdsong Organization for support and a treatment center in your area. Keep your heads up sister-survivors, fellow recovering addicts and those still struggling with the symptoms of their PTSD. We are here to help, don't hesitate to make that call or email.

Have a blessed day,

02:02am 19/04/2008
mood: cold

I hope I'm not the only one that blocked the memories out for years?
I read Just Listen and rememberd, it was a sleepless night needless to say, that was a year ago.

Want to know the worst part? I don't hate her, I forgive her even she's my sister after all and I've even been to her place for a few nights since I rememberd.

I've told my mom a few months ago.

About the molestation, she hasn't forgiven her yet....

I don't think she ever will..

and here comes the really fucked up part, I'm sorry i told her we have enough problems with my sister with out that too. I never should have told my mom. I should have protected her better, I mean I always have I've dragged her up the stairs when she was stoned, held her hair back so she could puke in the toilte drunk. Kept all her secrets

save for this one.

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11:31pm 30/03/2008
mood: curious
 i was molested by an older cousin when i was little. happy to join the community and feel supported.
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07:13pm 26/03/2008
   i'm 38 - los angeles female
just started having visions of being molested by my dad - 6-7 mths old till 6
very scary

does anyone know of any support groups in l.a.

thank you
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about Birdsong's December Meetings - News & Topics 
02:20pm 27/11/2007
mood: hopeful
[BirdSong is a not-for-profit, non-sectarian, free-thinking organization created by and for Women with a history of incest &/or related childhood trauma that holds weekly, facilitated, peer-empowerment groups cushioned by an atmosphere of trust and safety.]

Hello, Birdsong Ladies!

We here at Birdsong want to take a brief moment to wish you and your loved ones a happy holiday season!

As many of you know this is a very exciting time for our organization as we are finishing our certifications in Albany and are readying ourselves to begin fundraising!! In addition, we are taking this as an opportunity to announce some very exciting changes in the format of our weekly meetings.

please click here read more about our December Meeting Schedule and TopicsCollapse )

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Would the group mind being listed at SIANYC.ORG? 
01:23am 21/11/2007

My name is Delyn.  Sorry to barge in on your meeting but I'm not sure
how else to get in touch with anyone from this meeting. I'm a member of SIA living in the NYC area.  I'm helping New York City SIA Intergroup coordinate the meeting list we
distribute to members in this area and we would like to list your
internet meeting as a service to NYC area survivors. 

Would it be possible to list your meeting on our website (www.sianyc.org) and in
the printed meeting list we give out at meetings?  We guard anonymity
very closely here and wouldn't list any personal contact info, just the web link. 

Many members in New York don't know about the internet meetings
because they only look on our local website for meeting listings.

You can contact me at DelynSIA@gmail.com if you have questions and to let me know your group conscience.

We're really excited that your meeting is up an running!
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09:18pm 26/05/2007
mood: curious
frin New Zealand
37 year old female 2 kids in a whole lot of pain.. i have overeaten spent and been promiscuous but now in a stable ongoing relationship which is new and terrifying
love to have a sponsor...
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08:41pm 10/05/2007
  Hi, I'm new to this group, but I'm not a survior of incest... but this was the closest I could find... I was molested for 3 years, then raped my 2 of  my boyfriends, repeatedly.  I was also physically abused.  I am in therapy,  but sometimes that isn't enough to cope.  I am also a cutter, and think i may be an alcoholic... i'm just looking for some peer support in times that I can't reach my therapist.  I would also like to talk to anyone who was abused by a teacher, to try and make sense of all the contradictions in my mind.  Thank you.  
Im new to this 
12:53am 22/02/2007
  Hi.. Ive decided to take some action.. use to be a rape victim.. but am still having problems coping.. havent left my dorm room in 5 days.. I still get scared to be around people sometimes.. I dont know if this is the appropriate site but its worth a shot.. Im just tired of letting this thing take hold of my life and Im tired of being scared.. Its been 5 years since my rape and I havent been to any support groups.. what to do? I am also an incest survivor.. This is my first step to recovery I think.. someone pleas guide  
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04:33pm 07/03/2006
  Hey Amazing women and men,
Im participating in Operation Freefall this year, which is a fundraiser for RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.
Basically, we get people to sponsor us to go skydiving and take a 2000 foot stand against violence.
It would help me out immensily if you could check out my support page and help me out if you can. It would mean a lot to me, and you would be helping people desperatly in need ot support.
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