All alone

Hi there everybody,

My name is Jay and I am a survivor of incest. I have been looking for support in SIA meetings in the area, but they are at minimum 1,5 hours away. So, I started a new meeting in the city where I live. But it is hard to find people to join. Some do, but then they leave again after a month or so. That's why I went looking for online meetings and I found this one. It is nice to see that there is a Trans meeting. I am FTM transgender myself and I will start my transition next week :D. So, I am really happy about it, but also powerless. It would be nice to have some people to talk to about it. The people in my live are very positive and supporting. But it is not the same as having people around me who understand. Thank you all for reading this, because just having the possibility to type this helps me already. I feel like I'm on my own at the moment and right here and now I don't really know what to do about it. Thank you again for being part of this moment with me.

Best wishes to you all,

Jay, incestsurvivor.
  • ddh_134

help

At 23 I thought i could begin to live but I still can't let go of my grandpa molesting me for 5 years
  • Current Mood
    lonely lonely

Nervous

I have not really shared this with anyone.  I shared with my wife and it failed miserably.  Told a friend and found some support there.  I look forward to speaking more, but mostly listening.  I think its great that I might be able to find some people who can relate to me.
  • Current Mood
    nervous nervous
  • kaye65

sudden flashbacks

Hi, I am a senior citizen who is still haunted by memories and questions.  I hope all or you younger ones can find peace sooner than I.  I didn't remember anything until my father passed away about 18 years ago.  Then all of a sudden I started having flashbacks and understood why certain things were intolerable all my life.  So I cried for the loss of my father and for the loss of my childhood.  I went to therapy, but I am not convinced the doctor even believed me.  Nothing was resolved.  I have never told my mother, can't bring myself to.  I have told my brothers but they were at a loss.  My life has been a mess, as you all well know.  But I remember myself as a child with great potential and love of life.   Then there is a period I don't really remember much, then as a teen I was a mess.  The flashbacks were just enough to know something happened to my at the hands of my father, but not all of the detail.  This is my first post, hope this helps because I don't want to have to tell anyone this story again. 
  • Current Mood
    determined determined

Live Journal First Timer

Hello all.  I recently tried to return to an SIA meeting that I was a part of for years, but found that now it no longer exists. 
I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse by my parents and step parents.  I am a single woman in my mid 30's who lives in Manhattan.  I am from New York - born in Manhattan and raised as a shared custody kid in Brooklyn, Westchester and Rockland coutnies.  My parents and step parents have all had substance abuse issues on top of mental health struggles...Not very good odds for my siblings or myself, so it's not a surprise really that things went horribly wrong in our "family." Growing up in that environment my siblings and I stuck together for our survival and sanity.  We were thick as thieves.  My being the oldest, I was the main protector and took the brunt of the overt abuse - both sexual and physical.  I tried to do what I could to spare my younger brothers and sisters, but I was a child myself and not really capable of saving them the way an adult could.  For this I can't help but feel some guilt.  These days each of us cope with our beginnings differently, and for the most part there is distance between us all.  Perhaps the memories of all that pain is just too powerful when we are with each other that it's too much for them to bear.  I wish we could stay closer, talk through the tough memories and more importantly build new and healthy ones together.  Unfortunately I seem to be alone in this wish.  My brothers and sisters are more comfortable with the head in the sand approach.  They each keep their distance from one another and from me.  The worst part about that is that now more than ever I feel completely alone.  I cannot turn to my parents for any type of emotional support - obviously, but now I can't even get comfort from the closeness I used to share with my siblings.  
That is why I decided to return to SIA, when I went back to my old SIA meeting place two weeks ago.  That group was a type of family to me.  Sharing and listening in that SIA meeting was the first time in my life that a room full of people could relate to the complicated feelings and problems that come with growing up in an abusive world.  It was sad to see the pain that all these other people were struggling with, but the fact that it was so unbelievably familiar opened my eyes to a new idea.  I could see enormous value in the people in that meeting.  I believed in them, even though I could see they struggled, I could see the strength in them, the bravery, the courage and inner beauty.  And if I could see that in them, and they had been through things like I had been through, that must mean that I have a chance to be a worthwhile human being too...at least I had a chance.
At this time therapy is not something I can afford.  I am hopeful that this online support group might be a good place to share some of my struggles with people who can relate, and that I can find fellow survivors to help inspire and motivate each other toward positive directions in our lives.
I am very familiar with the rules of the SIA meetings - the actual live meetings, but are there rules that might be different in this format that I should be aware of?
I am open to any feedback or questions if anyone would like to respond. 
I hope I can become a positive part of your online group.
  • Current Mood
    uncertain
beatles

hello

 I don't know which groups I have or have not introduced myself to and I made a mistake not reading the rules first off. So I will tell you about myself possibly again. First off, I am a 39 year old female who lives in Nashville Tennessee and has four cats and a dog. I live alone in my house. I like music and art. I love the Beatles most of all. When I was 11 John Lennon was killed and the Beatles got  replayed since, well since the 70's. and I learned about them from the memorials that came of his death. The Beatles became an obsession of mine and helped me deal with my family life so that I didn't  feel so sad and hurt. They saved my sanity.
          Anyway, I like to play my drums and guitar. I don't have a band. I record alone. I do most stuff alone. I have one best friend that I love dearly. These support groups have been a savior to me as well. Thanks to you all.

Gender, Anxiety, incest?

Hi Everyone I am a survivor and I have been trying to work SIA as a program for the past 3 months. I have found that in my struggles I feel like I am not moving right now. I am stuck in a big black hole. I was born female and I am emotionally/sexually attracted to females, but I often feel male but not always. So I identify as Genderqueer and Lesbian (if I don't feel like explaining genderqueer to people). I have been recently been smacked in the head with a HUGE issue that I am having issues working through. Simply, I am scared to death of adult females. I am afraid of what they might say or do to my face or behind my back. I find it totally debilitating and absolutely overwhelming. ALTHOUGH, I do have a female partner that I am grateful to be with. I am not sure how I managed to bond with her but I was, which is great. BUT when I am confronted with women that I need to try to bond with in a friendship type of situation I get thrown into a panic. I often find it difficult to attend all female meetings, and not just because I feel like I don't fit in. I often feel like they are going to all gang up on me, attack me, backstab me, or hurt me in some way. Often I cannot voice this, at all, and I become completely frozen in my head and my anxiety. I then appear to be distant, detached, and "quiet". I am! Not just because its my nature, not really. Actually its because I am deathly afraid and inside my head and body I am having a total meltdown, completely unknown to anyone outside my body.

This past weekend I went on a Girl Scout trip, that I was leading, and was forced to try to bond with one of the mothers. I wanted to and I had tried to prepare for it with my therapist. I was supposed to announce tht I was struggline with anxiety about being around her. I totally fell off my plan and ended up disapearing into th woods for several cries. I cried and cried and sat under trees in the freezing cold. I just have such a hard time that I work myself into a complete set of panic and fear that feed off each other. Even my normal approach to my axiety attacks would not work. Right now, the thought of the weekend and attending the all women group as completely set me into a panic attack. I am completely shut down outside and my inner child is trying to work it out with these words. I feel alone, scared, and at a loss. I am frustrated with myself. Why why why do I have so many issues around women? Both men and women molested me but men don't scare me like women do. Although the only way I know how to bond with men is to simply offer sex....although they don't usually set me into a panic attack even if I do avoid sex with them. Women on the other hand are completely a fear for me.

In a week I am going to try to attend a "fun event" that will consist of all lesbians. My partner and I are leading the "hike in the woods" and I am scrared to death, sweating, and increasing my anxiety just thinking about. I am almost completely frozen and I am not even there yet. I know I will do it but will I just be in a state of panic the whole time? I wish there was someone else out there with this same sort of issue that could help me. Hope anyone?
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    sad sad

hello

Hi there. New here. Just found this page tonight.

I was abused by an older cousin when I was little.

Looking forward to getting to know y'all!
  • Current Mood
    okay okay