This past weekend I went on a Girl Scout trip, that I was leading, and was forced to try to bond with one of the mothers. I wanted to and I had tried to prepare for it with my therapist. I was supposed to announce tht I was struggline with anxiety about being around her. I totally fell off my plan and ended up disapearing into th woods for several cries. I cried and cried and sat under trees in the freezing cold. I just have such a hard time that I work myself into a complete set of panic and fear that feed off each other. Even my normal approach to my axiety attacks would not work. Right now, the thought of the weekend and attending the all women group as completely set me into a panic attack. I am completely shut down outside and my inner child is trying to work it out with these words. I feel alone, scared, and at a loss. I am frustrated with myself. Why why why do I have so many issues around women? Both men and women molested me but men don't scare me like women do. Although the only way I know how to bond with men is to simply offer sex....although they don't usually set me into a panic attack even if I do avoid sex with them. Women on the other hand are completely a fear for me.
In a week I am going to try to attend a "fun event" that will consist of all lesbians. My partner and I are leading the "hike in the woods" and I am scrared to death, sweating, and increasing my anxiety just thinking about. I am almost completely frozen and I am not even there yet. I know I will do it but will I just be in a state of panic the whole time? I wish there was someone else out there with this same sort of issue that could help me. Hope anyone?