qhollis (qhollis) wrote in transsiameeting,
qhollis
qhollis
transsiameeting

Gender, Anxiety, incest?

Hi Everyone I am a survivor and I have been trying to work SIA as a program for the past 3 months. I have found that in my struggles I feel like I am not moving right now. I am stuck in a big black hole. I was born female and I am emotionally/sexually attracted to females, but I often feel male but not always. So I identify as Genderqueer and Lesbian (if I don't feel like explaining genderqueer to people). I have been recently been smacked in the head with a HUGE issue that I am having issues working through. Simply, I am scared to death of adult females. I am afraid of what they might say or do to my face or behind my back. I find it totally debilitating and absolutely overwhelming. ALTHOUGH, I do have a female partner that I am grateful to be with. I am not sure how I managed to bond with her but I was, which is great. BUT when I am confronted with women that I need to try to bond with in a friendship type of situation I get thrown into a panic. I often find it difficult to attend all female meetings, and not just because I feel like I don't fit in. I often feel like they are going to all gang up on me, attack me, backstab me, or hurt me in some way. Often I cannot voice this, at all, and I become completely frozen in my head and my anxiety. I then appear to be distant, detached, and "quiet". I am! Not just because its my nature, not really. Actually its because I am deathly afraid and inside my head and body I am having a total meltdown, completely unknown to anyone outside my body.

This past weekend I went on a Girl Scout trip, that I was leading, and was forced to try to bond with one of the mothers. I wanted to and I had tried to prepare for it with my therapist. I was supposed to announce tht I was struggline with anxiety about being around her. I totally fell off my plan and ended up disapearing into th woods for several cries. I cried and cried and sat under trees in the freezing cold. I just have such a hard time that I work myself into a complete set of panic and fear that feed off each other. Even my normal approach to my axiety attacks would not work. Right now, the thought of the weekend and attending the all women group as completely set me into a panic attack. I am completely shut down outside and my inner child is trying to work it out with these words. I feel alone, scared, and at a loss. I am frustrated with myself. Why why why do I have so many issues around women? Both men and women molested me but men don't scare me like women do. Although the only way I know how to bond with men is to simply offer sex....although they don't usually set me into a panic attack even if I do avoid sex with them. Women on the other hand are completely a fear for me.

In a week I am going to try to attend a "fun event" that will consist of all lesbians. My partner and I are leading the "hike in the woods" and I am scrared to death, sweating, and increasing my anxiety just thinking about. I am almost completely frozen and I am not even there yet. I know I will do it but will I just be in a state of panic the whole time? I wish there was someone else out there with this same sort of issue that could help me. Hope anyone?
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