| Nervous |
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| 08:06am 06/02/2011 |
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mood:  nervous
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I have not really shared this with anyone. I shared with my wife and it failed miserably. Told a friend and found some support there. I look forward to speaking more, but mostly listening. I think its great that I might be able to find some people who can relate to me. |
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| sudden flashbacks |
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| 05:56pm 18/01/2011 |
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mood:  determined
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Hi, I am a senior citizen who is still haunted by memories and questions. I hope all or you younger ones can find peace sooner than I. I didn't remember anything until my father passed away about 18 years ago. Then all of a sudden I started having flashbacks and understood why certain things were intolerable all my life. So I cried for the loss of my father and for the loss of my childhood. I went to therapy, but I am not convinced the doctor even believed me. Nothing was resolved. I have never told my mother, can't bring myself to. I have told my brothers but they were at a loss. My life has been a mess, as you all well know. But I remember myself as a child with great potential and love of life. Then there is a period I don't really remember much, then as a teen I was a mess. The flashbacks were just enough to know something happened to my at the hands of my father, but not all of the detail. This is my first post, hope this helps because I don't want to have to tell anyone this story again. |
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| Live Journal First Timer |
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| 01:32pm 28/03/2010 |
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Hello all. I recently tried to return to an SIA meeting that I was a part of for years, but found that now it no longer exists.
I am a survivor of sexual and physical abuse by my parents and step parents. I am a single woman in my mid 30's who lives in Manhattan. I am from New York - born in Manhattan and raised as a shared custody kid in Brooklyn, Westchester and Rockland coutnies. My parents and step parents have all had substance abuse issues on top of mental health struggles...Not very good odds for my siblings or myself, so it's not a surprise really that things went horribly wrong in our "family." Growing up in that environment my siblings and I stuck together for our survival and sanity. We were thick as thieves. My being the oldest, I was the main protector and took the brunt of the overt abuse - both sexual and physical. I tried to do what I could to spare my younger brothers and sisters, but I was a child myself and not really capable of saving them the way an adult could. For this I can't help but feel some guilt. These days each of us cope with our beginnings differently, and for the most part there is distance between us all. Perhaps the memories of all that pain is just too powerful when we are with each other that it's too much for them to bear. I wish we could stay closer, talk through the tough memories and more importantly build new and healthy ones together. Unfortunately I seem to be alone in this wish. My brothers and sisters are more comfortable with the head in the sand approach. They each keep their distance from one another and from me. The worst part about that is that now more than ever I feel completely alone. I cannot turn to my parents for any type of emotional support - obviously, but now I can't even get comfort from the closeness I used to share with my siblings.
That is why I decided to return to SIA, when I went back to my old SIA meeting place two weeks ago. That group was a type of family to me. Sharing and listening in that SIA meeting was the first time in my life that a room full of people could relate to the complicated feelings and problems that come with growing up in an abusive world. It was sad to see the pain that all these other people were struggling with, but the fact that it was so unbelievably familiar opened my eyes to a new idea. I could see enormous value in the people in that meeting. I believed in them, even though I could see they struggled, I could see the strength in them, the bravery, the courage and inner beauty. And if I could see that in them, and they had been through things like I had been through, that must mean that I have a chance to be a worthwhile human being too...at least I had a chance.
At this time therapy is not something I can afford. I am hopeful that this online support group might be a good place to share some of my struggles with people who can relate, and that I can find fellow survivors to help inspire and motivate each other toward positive directions in our lives.
I am very familiar with the rules of the SIA meetings - the actual live meetings, but are there rules that might be different in this format that I should be aware of?
I am open to any feedback or questions if anyone would like to respond.
I hope I can become a positive part of your online group. |
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| hello |
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| 10:33am 07/04/2009 |
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I don't know which groups I have or have not introduced myself to and I made a mistake not reading the rules first off. So I will tell you about myself possibly again. First off, I am a 39 year old female who lives in Nashville Tennessee and has four cats and a dog. I live alone in my house. I like music and art. I love the Beatles most of all. When I was 11 John Lennon was killed and the Beatles got replayed since, well since the 70's. and I learned about them from the memorials that came of his death. The Beatles became an obsession of mine and helped me deal with my family life so that I didn't feel so sad and hurt. They saved my sanity.
Anyway, I like to play my drums and guitar. I don't have a band. I record alone. I do most stuff alone. I have one best friend that I love dearly. These support groups have been a savior to me as well. Thanks to you all. |
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| Gender, Anxiety, incest? |
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| 11:54pm 01/03/2009 |
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mood:  sad
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Hi Everyone I am a survivor and I have been trying to work SIA as a program for the past 3 months. I have found that in my struggles I feel like I am not moving right now. I am stuck in a big black hole. I was born female and I am emotionally/sexually attracted to females, but I often feel male but not always. So I identify as Genderqueer and Lesbian (if I don't feel like explaining genderqueer to people). I have been recently been smacked in the head with a HUGE issue that I am having issues working through. Simply, I am scared to death of adult females. I am afraid of what they might say or do to my face or behind my back. I find it totally debilitating and absolutely overwhelming. ALTHOUGH, I do have a female partner that I am grateful to be with. I am not sure how I managed to bond with her but I was, which is great. BUT when I am confronted with women that I need to try to bond with in a friendship type of situation I get thrown into a panic. I often find it difficult to attend all female meetings, and not just because I feel like I don't fit in. I often feel like they are going to all gang up on me, attack me, backstab me, or hurt me in some way. Often I cannot voice this, at all, and I become completely frozen in my head and my anxiety. I then appear to be distant, detached, and "quiet". I am! Not just because its my nature, not really. Actually its because I am deathly afraid and inside my head and body I am having a total meltdown, completely unknown to anyone outside my body.
This past weekend I went on a Girl Scout trip, that I was leading, and was forced to try to bond with one of the mothers. I wanted to and I had tried to prepare for it with my therapist. I was supposed to announce tht I was struggline with anxiety about being around her. I totally fell off my plan and ended up disapearing into th woods for several cries. I cried and cried and sat under trees in the freezing cold. I just have such a hard time that I work myself into a complete set of panic and fear that feed off each other. Even my normal approach to my axiety attacks would not work. Right now, the thought of the weekend and attending the all women group as completely set me into a panic attack. I am completely shut down outside and my inner child is trying to work it out with these words. I feel alone, scared, and at a loss. I am frustrated with myself. Why why why do I have so many issues around women? Both men and women molested me but men don't scare me like women do. Although the only way I know how to bond with men is to simply offer sex....although they don't usually set me into a panic attack even if I do avoid sex with them. Women on the other hand are completely a fear for me.
In a week I am going to try to attend a "fun event" that will consist of all lesbians. My partner and I are leading the "hike in the woods" and I am scrared to death, sweating, and increasing my anxiety just thinking about. I am almost completely frozen and I am not even there yet. I know I will do it but will I just be in a state of panic the whole time? I wish there was someone else out there with this same sort of issue that could help me. Hope anyone? |
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| hello |
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| 09:43pm 19/01/2009 |
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mood:  okay
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Hi there. New here. Just found this page tonight.
I was abused by an older cousin when I was little.
Looking forward to getting to know y'all! |
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| and in my life |
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| 06:04pm 01/07/2008 |
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mood:  contemplative
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I hurry on as the icy nails of an arctic wind rips at my flesh. I seem to vibrate with the icy cold which now seems to emanate from my very bones.
Tears freeze on my cheek as I yearn for even a moments rest, even the most incidental reprieve from this bitter, bitter place but I know I must trudge on for I am afraid I'll be found here, a once living statue, frozen in this agonizingly cold moment in time. I call out in terror but there is no one to hear me, no help will come. I am in the coldest place on Earth, Heroin Withdrawal . . . .
I have written before about my struggles with self-victimizing behavior in the form of a long term addiction. I am pleased to announce that I am, today, clean and sober.
However, the correlation between female survivors of early childhood trauma and females with addiction issues is incredibly high.
To expect a survivor of trauma who is self-medicating her PTSD symptoms to stop using drugs without first treating her trauma is VERY much like expecting a person to discard his crutches when his legs are still broken --- ain't gonna happen . . . .
However, with the correct treatment there is hope.
Do not hesitate to contact The Birdsong Organization for support and a treatment center in your area. Keep your heads up sister-survivors, fellow recovering addicts and those still struggling with the symptoms of their PTSD. We are here to help, don't hesitate to make that call or email.
Have a blessed day,
Celeste
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| 02:02am 19/04/2008 |
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mood: cold
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I hope I'm not the only one that blocked the memories out for years?
I read Just Listen and rememberd, it was a sleepless night needless to say, that was a year ago.
Want to know the worst part? I don't hate her, I forgive her even she's my sister after all and I've even been to her place for a few nights since I rememberd.
I've told my mom a few months ago.
About the molestation, she hasn't forgiven her yet....
I don't think she ever will..
and here comes the really fucked up part, I'm sorry i told her we have enough problems with my sister with out that too. I never should have told my mom. I should have protected her better, I mean I always have I've dragged her up the stairs when she was stoned, held her hair back so she could puke in the toilte drunk. Kept all her secrets
save for this one.
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| hey |
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| 11:31pm 30/03/2008 |
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mood:  curious
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i was molested by an older cousin when i was little. happy to join the community and feel supported. |
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| 07:13pm 26/03/2008 |
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i'm 38 - los angeles female
just started having visions of being molested by my dad - 6-7 mths old till 6
very scary
does anyone know of any support groups in l.a.
thank you |
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| about Birdsong's December Meetings - News & Topics |
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| 02:20pm 27/11/2007 |
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mood:  hopeful
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[BirdSong is a not-for-profit, non-sectarian, free-thinking organization created by and for Women with a history of incest &/or related childhood trauma that holds weekly, facilitated, peer-empowerment groups cushioned by an atmosphere of trust and safety.]
Hello, Birdsong Ladies!
We here at Birdsong want to take a brief moment to wish you and your loved ones a happy holiday season!
As many of you know this is a very exciting time for our organization as we are finishing our certifications in Albany and are readying ourselves to begin fundraising!! In addition, we are taking this as an opportunity to announce some very exciting changes in the format of our weekly meetings.
( please click here read more about our December Meeting Schedule and Topics )
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| Would the group mind being listed at SIANYC.ORG? |
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| 01:23am 21/11/2007 |
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Hi! My name is Delyn. Sorry to barge in on your meeting but I'm not sure how else to get in touch with anyone from this meeting. I'm a member of SIA living in the NYC area. I'm helping New York City SIA Intergroup coordinate the meeting list we distribute to members in this area and we would like to list your internet meeting as a service to NYC area survivors. Would it be possible to list your meeting on our website ( www.sianyc.org) and in the printed meeting list we give out at meetings? We guard anonymity
Many members in New York don't know about the internet meetings
because they only look on our local website for meeting listings.
You can contact me at DelynSIA@gmail.com if you have questions and to let me know your group conscience.
We're really excited that your meeting is up an running! |
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| hi |
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| 09:18pm 26/05/2007 |
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mood: curious
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frin New Zealand
37 year old female 2 kids in a whole lot of pain.. i have overeaten spent and been promiscuous but now in a stable ongoing relationship which is new and terrifying
love to have a sponsor... |
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| new |
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| 08:41pm 10/05/2007 |
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Hi, I'm new to this group, but I'm not a survior of incest... but this was the closest I could find... I was molested for 3 years, then raped my 2 of my boyfriends, repeatedly. I was also physically abused. I am in therapy, but sometimes that isn't enough to cope. I am also a cutter, and think i may be an alcoholic... i'm just looking for some peer support in times that I can't reach my therapist. I would also like to talk to anyone who was abused by a teacher, to try and make sense of all the contradictions in my mind. Thank you. |
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| Im new to this |
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| 12:53am 22/02/2007 |
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Hi.. Ive decided to take some action.. use to be a rape victim.. but am still having problems coping.. havent left my dorm room in 5 days.. I still get scared to be around people sometimes.. I dont know if this is the appropriate site but its worth a shot.. Im just tired of letting this thing take hold of my life and Im tired of being scared.. Its been 5 years since my rape and I havent been to any support groups.. what to do? I am also an incest survivor.. This is my first step to recovery I think.. someone pleas guide |
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| 04:33pm 07/03/2006 |
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Hey Amazing women and men,
Im participating in Operation Freefall this year, which is a fundraiser for RAINN (Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network.
Basically, we get people to sponsor us to go skydiving and take a 2000 foot stand against violence.
It would help me out immensily if you could check out my support page and help me out if you can. It would mean a lot to me, and you would be helping people desperatly in need ot support.
http://www.firstgiving.com/rachaelstern |
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| 03:24pm 10/11/2005 |
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“How does "Well thanks to Kelly I gained a new respect for my body" make
sense? How did she do that?”
When Kelly and I were dating she was intensely reserved about her body, and
it took her a while for her to allow me to touch her. She was and to my
knowledge is still a virgin. We were talking about her body, and she
explained to me that no one was allowed to have her body unless she let
them, and she wanted to share it. At one point in a relationship she had,
she was pressured into doing something she didn’t want to do. Her body
enjoyed it, and took over during the act, but after, she was angry at the
woman. She had said that she really didn’t want to have done what she had
done. This struck home for me. She was adamant about the fact that she only
wants to share her body with someone she fully trusts and truly loves. She
felt her body was a precious gift. I never really ever (until now) had seen
it this way.
“Why did you think that: “I always thought that my body was here to serve
other peoples desires"?
Kelly’s respect for her body really got me thinking about how I gave my body
to anyone who wanted it, or made me feel sexy. It made me realize that
everyone up to that point I had had sex with, I had felt a certain
obligation to please them with my body…either giving or receiving. I was
conditioned at a young age, by Him to believe that my body was here to
please others. Letting other people have my body to satiate their desires
was the only thing I knew. It was also the only way that made me feel worthy
of the space that I took up.
I guess I felt that I almost had to get approval or permission to take up
the space that I occupied. Now that I see this I realize that this was one
of the reasons I have an eating disorder (I say ‘have’, because once one has
an addiction they will always have it. The only difference is if one is in
recovery or not.) I gave my body to who wanted it, or to who I wanted to
care about me. I now look back on it, and I realize that up until recently I
had never made the conscious CHOICE to SHARE my body with someone I loved. I
never had shared my body before, I always gave it away. This doesn’t mean I
didn’t enjoy my sexual encounters…I did…very much. But the notion that I was
able to CHOSE to share my body, and have no obligation to please was foreign
to me. Though it was new and scary, I like it, and now I live by it.
“Why on all things that are holy in heaven, did you before think that it
wasn't your choice to be with whom you chose, and that you're merely here
for others people's pleasure?”
I think that this was because of what my father did to me. As a young child
I had my first sexual experience, and it was imprinted in my mind that sex
was about other peoples pleasure, not my own. When I consensually started to
be sexually active I learned to feel pleasure myself. I have always had an
odd conception of sexual pleasure. Ever since I can remember I have
masturbated. My sister informed me that when I was living with her at the
age of 3 I incessantly masturbated. Apparently it is common is survivors.
Before I learned the term ‘masturbating’ I called it ‘Ahh babying’. This was
not an ahhh from my mouth. As far back as I remember, I have experienced
orgasms, and I enjoyed them. However up until recently I never really owned
them. It seems to me the fact that I never owned my own pleasure let me to
not be able (notice I don’t say ‘want’) to chose.
With the new perception of body and commensality and love, and self respect,
I recently entered a relationship with Bridget. She had very simaler view
and beliefs about sex as Kelly. I am absolutely am completely and utterly in
love with Bridget. I would do anything for her. In some ways I love her more
than I have loved anybody, and that is scary to me! I have given her
everything I have. But the difference between her and anyone else I have
loved (even Heidi) was that I had never made the CHOICE to give myself to
someone. When I chose to give Bridget my body for the first time, it was a
very different experience than I have ever had. As she put it, ‘I am the
first person to ever take your soul’ and I WANTED to her to have it. I
CHOOSE to give that gift to her, and I am blessed with the fact that she let
me take her body, and more importantly her soul as well. Thank you My Love |
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| Hello |
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| 10:14am 05/11/2005 |
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Hi my name is Missi. I am 24 and live in Tennessee for the moment. I spotted this community, because the girl I am dating suffered years of sexual abuse from her step father. I am the first relationship she has tried to have in over 9 years. She is the most amazing person I have met, although sometimes I do not think she realizes it. I have done alot of research and so forth to better understand and be there for her in that aspect of her life. I am hoping you will accept me into this community. |
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